Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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