Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
