benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
