I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
