I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Your dad touched me again.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
