Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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