i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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