Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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