He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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