It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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