so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
MIDGETS
????
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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