my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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