I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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