If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
