I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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