I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
