I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize