Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
