I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
