Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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