ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
