we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
