She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
