after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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