My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
