I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
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New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
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just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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