i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
