someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you didnt know i had herpes?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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