I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
