I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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