I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
