And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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