I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just threw up on my dentist
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
