i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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