So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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