So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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