I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
