Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
