dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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