she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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