Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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