I will die if light touches me.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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