He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
