You made me cry and you don't even care
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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