please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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