if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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