I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
