dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
