dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
