I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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