I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
