sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
