I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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