I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
