Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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