1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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